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As such a common, simple phrase as that, it holds so much more complexity than I think anyone ever truly realizes. At least, until you are in a position such as I. Considering the fact that I think I know the only person that reads this blog, I feel safe enough to divulge enough information to try to make some sense of this myself. Arriving less than 24 hours ago into a state that I used to be in 8 months out of the year, has made my brain go haywire. All these memories, emotions, and more come in at an alarmingly rate. We go to wake up some of the group of friends that I hung out with on a day to day basis when I was here. And one of them happen to be an ex girlfriend of mine. I was perfectly fine.. all up until she practically tackled me into a hug. Having her at such a close range made my head go dizzy and my stomach was in knots. I just didn't understand how things can change at such a rapid pace. I felt as if I was in a time warp, and everything else was spinning around me while I stood still. Glimpses of the past invaded my mind and heart as if I was being raped by visual effects of my past. It wasn't such a good feeling. Mostly, it was confusing as hell.Back to the phrase... Yes. Home is where the heart is. But what exactly is one to do when it appears and feels that your heart is in two places at once? Which place is home? They both certainly can't be labelled with "home" for there is only one true home. So much of it makes sense, while the other half makes nothing but word vomit and garden soil. I missed seeing everyone out here so much, and people want me to stay. That is very quite apparent. I just love my mother too much to leave it. "Must leave the nest someday" was told to me by a friend recently. It is all very much true. I just don't think it's possible. I'm at a complete loss of what on Earth to do, let alone feel or begin to sort out through all the emotions roaming through my head. I want a solid ground. I want.. CLARITY
I wake up this morning by a call from my mother. This isn't uncommon, but today was different for some reason. See, I'm taking a vacation in just over a week, and I'm real excited to do so. There is this pay advance option at the place where I work, and I've done it once or twice before on occasion, and it wasn't any problem. So like any other day, I fill out the necessary forms and wait for either my boss and the office manager to get around to signing it and then I'll get the money and everything will be set.
Well, apparently, it wasn't okay this time for some reason. Back to the phone call. It startles me to hear that my mother is on the verge of tears, and I haven't a clue why. She keeps asking me questions about the dollar amount of how much I was asking for, and other questions. I wanted to know what was wrong. Then it dawns on me. Neither of them signed the request I did, and now my mother is trying to figure out how to get me the money. Doing that makes my heart sink, and tears do form in my eyes. As much as I love my mother, she doesn't make enough to spare that amount of money without being hindered badly in the process. I feel real bad, and I haven't an idea what to do.
It's just.. strange to see that my boss is more than wiling to fork over 1600$ to Molly for a macbook laptop without blinking an eye, even though she already has a computer. Various computers, actually. Granted, Molly is his daughter, I just.. I wasn't even asking for very much, compared to that. Either way, I guess I'll survive. Just makes me look at the people I work with in a different light.
First off, small tangent. Yesterday, I finally get around to doing this whole new trend on facebook about that one photo of a bunch of people, and you tag which people you think fit the description. I thought it was all good and well, until I get a message this morning when I wake up. Apparently I had hurt one of my dear friends for including her boyfriend/fiance in the picture but not her. I feel like a complete DOUCHE for hurting her. I don't know how to fix it. I didn't mean to not include her.. it's just hard knowing that there are only 28 spots there to tag and I have way over that amount of friends. I just feel bad.
Onto the reason I wrote this blog. See.. I have this bad thing of wanting people that I seemingly can't have. I've had my fair share of heart break and more, but I continue to seek and try to find that person for me. While I may have said it many a times before, and at the time, I probably DID mean it, I honestly think I've found the person that I could spend the rest of my life with. One big downfall: She lives in Holland. Which is approximately a billion miles away. Okay... maybe not THAT many, but you catch the drift. I love her, and she loves me, but the distance is too much for either of us. She doesn't want to hurt me, and even though I try to explain that I am indeed a BIG girl, I understand why she's hesitant. I don't and won't hurt her. I'd rather jump in front of a speeding bus than to hurt her. I want to hop on a plane, fly the 10 hours to get there, and I dunno.. make her fall even more in love with me than she already is? I.. just wish I knew what to do in this situation.
That's her, if any of you had any interest. This blog is.. rather pointless, other than to just get the words onto paper in order to see if I can't figure out what to do. I love her.. and.. that is about all I know these days.
The future is something that I hate and can't fathom one minute of my life, and the next minute I can't wait for it to be here already. It boggles my mind to know that something I can hate with such a fiery passion can cause me to go into such moments of where I turn into such a little girl. So much of my life appears to be flashing before my eyes, as days turn into weeks, and I still feel that I haven't accomplished anything that I have set out on my goal plate. While I know that everyone needs a break to sort out their head, and to figure out which path they should take, and even more that I am still a young individual, I do crave that structure in my life that I somehow have managed to misplace for so long. People tell me to relax that everything will fall into place, but for me, someone who has the up-most patience for a lot of things, don't have the patience for that.
Uncertainty is something that causes fear to grip my body tightly and causes me to stand still for an extended amount of time. Not knowing if the outcome of a certain action will be the one I want it to be, causing me to second guess and even further on for x amount of times, most often until the opportunity has surpassed me and moved on. I'm no psychic, and I have no powers to tell me what the future holds for me, I just wish I knew that I was going to obtain what I want the most. I don't want to go throughout life looking for, and striving for something that ultimately I will never get. I will view my life a big waste of time, if that is what I'm destined for.
Ultimately, I just want the uncertainty that is ruling my life to turn into certainty or at least some form or mold of it, so that I can actually try and take those risks that I want to take so badly, but don't have the courage or the heart to do so. Uncertainty ruling a life is a life full of lackluster moments and self pity. I do not want that.
